Smoooooove
06-09-2004

I was curious about video capture and wanted to know if a particular camera could capture smoothly. Not knowing where to turn, I decided to turn myself over to Alan Wong for a careful dissection of video capture. I really want to know -- will it be smooth? I mean, after all, that is what good video capture is all about. Smoothness. Extent to which it may be compared to a babies bottomness. I want clarity, I want knowledge. I want a decisive paragraph to explain. Here is what Alan Wong had to say, in his article:

"For quality, you must give up performance and vice versa. When shooting at the maximum video recording resolution of 640x480, the Logitech QuickCam Pro 4000 can only capture 15fps (frames per second). That means that the physical motions being recorded will no be that smooth. When recording at 320x240 resolution, it captures 30fps (frames per second), which means when recording motion, it is much smoother. So what this means is this: If you record a larger video size (640x480), it won't look as smooth. If you record at a smaller video size (320x240), it will look smoother. For some people, you might not be able to tell the difference between how smooth the 640x480 runs and how smooth the 320x240 runs. In that case, I would record at 640x480. For those picky, sharp-eyed people, it depends on whether you want to focus on smoothness or video quality. I recommend recording at 320x240, since motion is much smoother and you can enlarge the video if it is not big enough. Enlarging the 320x240 video looks better than a 640x480 video, since the 320x240 one will look a whole lot smoother. Also, you can use the built-in microphone in conjunction with the video recording."

Italics mine. But what does all this mean? If I want smooth video, where should I turn? I read the paragraph again, but this time, I leave only the most relevant portions...

"[...] the Logitech QuickCam Pro 4000 can only capture 15fps (frames per second). [...] the physical motions will no be that smooth. When recording at 320x240 [...] is much smoother. [...] (640x480), it won't look as smooth. [...] (320x240), it will look smoother. [...] might not be able to tell [...] how smooth the 640x480 runs and how smooth the 320x240 runs. [...] it depends on whether you want to focus on smoothness or video quality. I recommend recording at 320x240, since motion is much smoother [...] 320x240 video looks better than a 640x480 video, since the 320x240 one will look a whole lot smoother."

But I still don't get the main difference between 640x480 and 320x240. I considered his arguments, and still found the large paragraph daunting in magnitude and content. I decided to make a table to present his argument visually, using each argument as it appears in order:

Resolution Description
640x480
 no be smooth
320x240
 much smoother
640x480
 won't look as smooth
320x240
 will look smoother
640x480
 can't tell how smooth
320x240
 can't tell how smooth
320x240
 much smoother
320x240
 looks better (smoother)
640x480
 looks worse (not as smooth)
320x240
 whole lot smoother

I'm scratching my head, still puzzled by his convoluted paragraph. So what if I want smooth video? Then what do I do? It seems like he answers every question but that most important one. What does it all mean? It's almost as though I would like, for him, at the end, to simply say "what this means is" and then carefully describe what he means. Because I can't tell what he means.

Alan Wong, what do you mean?

Crazy Fun
06-07-2004

People need to be able to relax. I have reintroduced an age-old classic, around since the days of the ancients, our forebears. The Amazing Link Game! This game is easy to play and super fun: FIND THE MAGIC SECRET LINKS! All you have to do is FIND the LINK that allows you to move on! Get past level 4, and you WIN! And the prize is WELL worth it.

Can you solve this amazing challenge?

Can you complete the ULTIMATE quest?

Can you fare with the best on earth and in history as a winner of the AMAZING LINK GAME?

TRY FOR YOURSELF!

Think you can compete with the GODS of the AMAZING LINK GAME? Try the CHAMPION EDITION.
What.
06-23-2003

tales tales

Really Satisfying Stories
06-03-2004

Our great culture has many stories and fables that capture the very essence of our humanity, our pride, our victories, our defeats. All these fables and stories, myths and legends, form the fabric of ourselves, our relationships, our understanding of our world and society. In many ways, they are the guiding force beneath everything we do. The only problem with them, is that they often take so very long to fully appreciate. Here we condense these stories to convey the deep heart, to expose the core meaning, and to put these really satisfying stories on display, to be consumed and enjoyed with ease.

Story #1
He and She fell in love. But their parents were at war! The parents split them up. The mean parents laughed. They ran away, but at the edge of town, the parents stopped them! Then a bird flew into the middle of the parents, and in the confusion, He and She ran away. They were wed, and lived so happily.

Story #2
She was a fish! She wanted to go on land. Lord Neptune gave her five days to explore. She fell in love! But had to go back in the drink! She is back in the dip and is so sad. But then a spell from a Sea Witch gives her the ability to live on land! But now she has no feelings! The Sea Witch will win and is laughing. The Lord Neptune shoots sea logs through her and kills her. Now She gets married and is so happy.

Story #3
He and She fell in love and were married. But then He died! She was so sad -- but he came back as a ghost! A funny negro psychic tells her about him. But a mean man wants to do her all night long! The psychic tells her, and then the man goes crazy. She is so scared! He is right in front of her, about to be really mean, and was laughing about it. The ghost and psychic smash him into a window and he dies. Then she is so happy! Too bad about the ghost husband; he still routinely visits and they have tea.

Story #4
It's his last day before cop retirement -- then he finds out his son is a gang member! His wife is kidnapped by the gang leader. Then the son has to decide! The gang leader holds two knives, one to each of their necks. The cop knocks the knife away! The gang leader laughs! He grabs a really big knife and puts it to both their necks. "I'm getting to old for this shit." says the cop. Then the partner falls down the stairs, distracting the gang leader, and the cop jumps on a piece of wood that the gang leader is standing on and he gets ejected into a hot water bath. He dies. The cop retires the next day, and is so happy. The family is reunited.

Story #5
A robot from the future comes back to stop a second robot from the future from killing a woman from the past who, in the future, is a big problem for the second robot from the future, in particular her son who, in the past, is not a problem but is in the future is but his mother isn't, who is mostly a problem in the past when she has the son. The second robot from the future captures them and frightens them! What about their life! They are about to be murdered in cold robot blood -- oil. The first robot from the future rides a conveyor belt up behind the second robot from the future and shoots explosives into him. They explode and he shoots into a pit of molten metal nearby and is destroyed. The mother and son are so happy! But then the second robot jumps into the lava because mankind can never know of its secret. The mother and son at first are sad, but then are so happy because they just found out she got a great new job thanks to the first robot.
So long, suckers.
05-14-2004
Okay, enough:

'black dudes have the biggest dicks!'

'asian guys have tiny ninja cocks!'

'white people are so average when it comes to length and girth of that most manly of cylinders! Why couldn't they have the always-partially-flaccid but monstrous black man's member, or the tight-as-a-coiled-spring prick of an asian man? Where's the personality, the excitement?!'

Also enough of:

'hey! you can't say that! it's racist! everyone has the exact SAME penis. Nobody is different! Not even you and me! Which makes it all the more weird that we're having this discussion. Lets drop it and go for wings.... what do you MEAN you don't like wings!? I *love* wings!!'

Let's look at average height:

asian male - 5'5" (japan)
white male - 5'9" (usa)
black male - 5'11" (africa)

Would you expect that larger bodies would have larger body parts?

Yes, yes you would.

End.
This Won't Take A Moment
04-21-2004
Modern surveyors (the kind with the clipboards, not the tripods) must rely on all manner of dirty tricks in order to get your opinions. Dirty tricks, duplicity, double-dealing, deceitfulness. This may enrage, confuse, upset, and dismay those whose lives are plundered by their janus-faced scheming. HOTSPEX is one such company; they present themselves as honest-to-goodness employers on numerous job sites and provide an "online application". The dreadful conclusion of their "job application" is a survey of filibuster proportion. Slowly does it unwind, like a sneaky cobra, before the applicant. The first questions, seemingly innocuous, begin the process. Before you know it, you are taking part in a full-scale grab-your-balls-while-you-cough (or, in case the reader is ball-free: jab-a-finger-into-your-prostate-while-you-cough [or in the event the reader has neither balls nor a prostate, apply-a-shocker-in-the-parlance-of-grade-school-while-you-cough {admittedly, the coughing in the latter two is for effect only}]) stripped-flesh naked-soul survey.

Well balls to them! A big PAIR of them! Just because they pulled the wool over your eyes, doesn't mean you can't grab the wool, and put it on them, and then pull it over their eyes. Every poorly filled survey reduces the accuracy of their investigation. As punishment for such treachery, haphazardly filled surveys will destroy the meaning of all their results, putting control back into the hands of -- someone less treacherous, hopefully. Here is a boring, if not encouraging, if not insprational excerpt from my "job application":

Past Promotions
Are there any past promotions from other industries that stick out in your mind as amazing or memorable?

Yeah the 'flaming dog' campaign from Sweden

Consider everything from appearance and labeling to form and function of the beer itself, the container (i.e., the bottles or cans), the packaging (i.e., the carton or box that holds the individual containers) or anything else. Have you ever encountered problems when Buying, Transporting, Storing, Cooling or Drinking beer? Please list all of the problems you can think of and then think about them when innovating your new ideas in the next section.

Why are beercans so slippery? Why can't beer be an effective lubricant? Must it hurt when injected into the eyeball? How do they get those little ships into bottles of beer? Why is it called a "two four" of bee-- oh wait, I get it.

Keep in mind that an innovative new idea has FIVE key elements.

  • It must SOLVE A PROBLEM or IMPROVE THE BEER DRINKING EXPERIENCE.
  • It must offer a CLEAR BENEFIT to the beer drinking consumer.
  • It should offer a DRAMATIC DIFFERENCE from what is presently out there today (i.e. twist off cap VS. traditional bottle cap)
  • The innovation must be RELEVANT to key target beer drinkers (legal drinking age to 29).

In-pack give-aways
What are your GREAT, NEW AND INNOVATIVE ideas for give-away items that could be included in a 24 case of beer? Please give as many ideas as you would like. Please feel free to fully explain your concepts.

Put live birds in there. If they "fly out" of the box, you win!!! If they are dead -- please play again.

Beer
Please consider innovative ideas for the beer itself, i.e., the liquid that comes in the bottle or can. First we will ask you to consider beer that you buy at the beer store and then we will ask you some questions about beer that you buy at a restaurant, pub, bar etc.

If you could change anything you want about the beer itself that you buy at the beer store in a way that is unique and different from beer that is currently available at the beer store…

What change or changes would you make?

You know how you can like, use a straw to suck up beer -- how about a straw so big, you just have to like, suck the straw, no other containers necessary?

If you could change anything you want about the beer itself that you buy at a restaurant, pub, bar, etc. in a way that is unique and different from beer that is currently available in restaurants, pubs, bars, etc...

What change or changes would you make?

You buy one, you get another one free. And also, the first one, you don't quite "buy" it so much as wrestle ten oily broads for it.

Container Types
BEER BOTTLES
What are your GREAT NEW IDEAS for beer bottles? Is there anything you'd like us to develop to help improve the ease of use, convenience or construction of an existing beer bottle design or do you have an idea for a totally new beer bottle that the world has never seen before? Please give as many ideas as you would like. Please feel free to fully explain your concepts.

Lots of times at parties people steal your beers. Outfit each one with either a) a homing device or b) an electronic keypad that, when the correct PIN is entered, prevents a vial of arsenic (or sarin gas) from bursting into the drink upon opening.

BEER CANS
What are your GREAT NEW IDEAS for beer cans? Is there anything you'd like us to develop to help improve the ease of use, convenience or construction of an existing beer can design or do you have an idea for a totally new beer can that the world has never seen before? Please give as many ideas as you would like. Please feel free to fully explain your concepts

You know in the old days, when they used to be connected together by those rings, and it would always strangle seagulls? More of that. Except, maybe make sthem way larger; like have packs of 10000 you could buy, and you could strangle a whole beach worth of seagulls with that guy!

Packaging (the case or box that the individual beers come in)
What are your GREAT NEW IDEAS for beer cases, or boxes? Is there anything you'd like us to develop to help improve the ease of use, convenience or construction of an existing beer case design or do you have an idea for a totally new method of packaging multiple beers that the world has never seen before? Please give as many ideas as you would like. Please feel free to fully explain your concepts.

I would like to see pyramid shaped boxes, because it reminds me of the ancient egyptians, and besides having invented beer, MAN could they dance.

Ideas to improve the drinking experience for groups of people
Whether it is watching sports, hanging at the local watering hole or a backyard BBQ, beer and groups of people are inseparable from each other. Do you have any ideas for ways in which a beer company might improve the group drinking experience? An example of a previous innovation that improved the group drinking experience is the mini keg. Please consider what people do when drinking together and what might add to the experience. Please give as many ideas as you would like. Please feel free to fully explain your concepts.

Make snakes shoot out of 1 in 5 beers -- and if you are at a party and it's you, everyone will laugh, and start conversations with you.

Are there any other changes you would make to beer, beer containers and/or beer packaging besides the ones you've mentioned so far? Please give as many ideas as you would like. Please feel free to fully explain your concepts.

I would like beers to split apart like those chocolate oranges, but not melt in the sun like the chocolate oranges!

How would you describe your ideal beer ? Please consider all aspects of what your ideal beer would be like, i.e., the beer itself, the container it comes in (i.e., bottles or cans), the packaging (i.e., the carton or box that holds the individual containers) or anything else. Also, do not limit your considerations to what is currently available on the market.

It would be free, and would be delivered by a beautiful woman who is riding a camel (the camel would also be beautiful -- to other camels, I mean). Okay, the reason is, part of this would be that I have a camel (fyi, named Arthur), and so I want to spread the wealth : I gotta look out for my camel! Do you know how much shit we've been through?

We think this area of the beer case (graphic points to top inside flap) is wasted space. Got a great new idea for something that could be done with it? Maybe something that could be made from the flaps? Take a look at the animation to see the part of the case we're referring to. Please give as many ideas as you would like. Please feel free to fully explain your concepts.

I love anything that involves scratch and sniff. Perhaps you could scratch and sniff this area. I know you could do that already, but part of the fun of scratch and sniff is that you scratch it, and then sniff it and it smells like pickles or cream cheese or mustard or bacon or peaches or lemons or something. Maybe make it smell like beer -- and also, have a special setup inside so when they sniff it, they look up and think "man that beer smells good" and then they see the setup inside and there is a picture of a cop riding a bumblebee which says "doesn't that smell good? Now lets go buy some more beer!" (the bumblebee says this) and then they will feel compelled to purchase more beer.

Beer bottle caps
Caps, are caps, are caps – or are they? Got any great new ideas on how a beer company could use its bottle caps in a more interesting way? Maybe there is something that could be printed under them that you've never seen done before. What about the caps themselves, anything you might change there? Please give as many ideas as you would like. Please feel free to fully explain your concepts.

I have always wanted the caps to be on the bottom, so that the top could be used to hold things up, like spinning plates or books or even flowers. When they're on the bottom, you could say something really funny like "bottoms up!" or maybe "tops down!" which has a whole OTHER meaning for the LADIES ehhh FELLAS!!!!!!!!!!!!

CDROM in-case give-away
A CDROM is really the perfect size and potentially just the right cost to be an in-case give-away. What would you love to see a beer company offer as potential content on a CDROM that might be included in a beer case as a give-away item? Please give as many ideas as you would like. Please feel free to fully explain your concepts.

While I'm tempted to say porn, I would have to -- no, definitely porn. Make it porn that relates to the beer though, not random man-on-man doggy style action or hot facials. Like if its "heineken" have porn that involves the "heinie", or if its guinness, have like, the guinness record for wicked huge jugs. I would avoid the weird german stuff, because lots of times you feel queezy and just want to sleep it off.

Hockey Related Promotions
Although we keep enjoying it year round, winter is traditionally the slowest season for selling beer. Since hockey continues to grow in popularity as the world's favorite winter sport, we wondered if you might take a moment to think of a cool, hockey related beer promotional idea. Please give as many ideas as you would like. Please feel free to fully explain your concepts.

How about the sticks are made of frozen beer, and the ice is also frozen beer. The goals are big empty cases of beer. The puck is an oversized bottle cap -- and the oversized bottle, well thats what all the teams are playing for! And also the players are wicked drunk. So are the announcers. Also, there are no washrooms, EVER. Sorry guys, the pain and the stench of urine are all "part of the game." Why do you think you're getting paid so much??

Delightful Collage Aspects
03-04-2004
What is it that makes a delightful collage? I believe the crucial elements can be described as profound photographic techniques employed in capturing images which are then conflated in such a way that their profound intermingling constructs a meaningful narrative in the spectator, who juxtaposes the elements and pictures in such a way as to benefit from both the elegantly tailored individual photographs and the synergistic resonances that are deduced through the mutual collaboration between individual images and in the whole of the collage. With this in mind, I unveil a piece of work I have created, an accomplishment. Here.
Cupcakes and batter
12-18-2004

eschatology (n.):
The branch of theology that is concerned with the end of the world or of humankind.
A belief or a doctrine concerning the ultimate or final things, such as death, the destiny of humanity, the Second Coming, or the Last Judgment.

scatology (n.):
The study of fecal excrement, as in medicine, paleontology, or biology.
An obsession with excrement or excretory functions.

eschatology - scatology. One deals with how mankind "ends up", the other with how food "ends up." Is it any coincedance, then, that you can form the word 'scatology' by removing two letters, 'e' and 'h' from 'eschatology', and that those two letters can be rearranged to form 'he' -- as in HE? As in MANKIND? Like when MANKIND becomes poo?

If that doesn't convince you I have defeated religion, consider the following:

'GOD' can be rearranged to form 'DOG' -- an animal that eats bones and growls. Does any pleasant god beg at the dinner table? Does any god we want to respect get excited at the prospect of a bone? Hmm, a dog craving a bone. A bone is clearly an erect penis, so god craves a penis? This is fairly obviously a lewd reference.

'JESUS' spelled backward is 'SUSEJ' which sounds phonetically like the word sausage. How much do I want to worship a god that is stuffed into an animal intestine? Not damn much, thank you! Also 'sausage' reminds one of a penis, does it not? The instrument of lewdness! Of lechery!

'THE VIRGIN MARY' these letters can be rearranged to form 'THEIR GRIMY VAN' But what can this mean? Well clearly 'van' means the vanguard, the forefront. Clearly then this refers to the GRIMY truth of religion! Also this reminds one of the legendary sex-vans, where untold lewd acts were accomplished.

'THE POPE' can be rearranged to say 'HOT PEPE' -- pronouncing the e's as long, we see that this says 'hot peepee', which is obviously a lewd reference to blistering hot genitalia, using a childish idiolect! Can there be nothing more obsene? Clearly the pope encourages lewd dealings and clearly his hat resembles a large erect penis.

'PRAYER' rearranged says 'RAPE YR', a thievish pronounciation of the phrase component "rape your.." as in 'ass' or some other dirty thing. Even prayer itself is a lewd and lascivious activity.

That said, it is clear that worshipping religion and the bible is nothing more than a fancy way to say "Hey! We like penises and lewd acts. Let us now copulate like animals in shadow and sin!" An obvious corrolary is that priests and nuns all bang eachother and rub themselves on the bible and defecate on the crucifix and short priests use a stack of bibles to stand on to bang tall nuns doggy style.

To conclude : 'to conclude' can be rearranged to form 'cooled cunt'. Lewd.
Hey Kids! / He les enfants!
12-02-2003

Hey you moronic little half wits! Christmas is coming! Fun and games and santa!! Santa is bringing TOYS! Santa hooray, santa this, santa fuckin THAT!

SANTA CLAUS IS NOT REAL.

Yeah, you've heard that bounced around your kindergarten. That one spunky German kid who think's he knows it all? He's RIGHT. Santa is a FRAUD. He's NOT real. What'd you think, there was some jolly fat man living 4000KM from you who gives a flying FUCK whether you've been NAUGHTY or NICE? What'd you think, he has some kind of ELECTRIC EYE and is watching all the fucking kids on the planet? How long would THAT SHIT last? You can't even stand outside a daycare and stare at the kids, let alone keep special TABS on each and every fuckin rugrat on earth monitoring them while ASLEEP or fuckin AWAKE. Didn't you ever wonder WHY all that naughty and gross SHIT you do with your genitalia isn't on santa's list of no-nos? Didn't you ever wonder HOW IT IS that santa knows all the shit you want and the only conduit is some BOGUS letter you wrote that those scheming gay-ass calumniating parents of yours had to 'proofread'? And this fat motherfucker lands on your roof and ZOOMS through your CHIMNEY? Fuckin BIRDS can't get in your fuckin CHIMNEY but some 400 pound redsuited asshole bag-of-shit can zip through with a sack full of EVERYTHING?

You ever wonder why SANTA'S handwriting is REMARKABLY similar to whichever butt-fucking parent fills out the other cards? You ever wonder why SANTA has the same WRAPPING PAPER as your freakin dead-end-job parents do? Is that part of the fuckin MAGIC of christmas? You ever wonder how it is that SANTA and is team of HOMOSEXUAL ELVES manage to WRAP in the SAME STYLE with the SAME MAGNETIC SCOTCH TAPE that you have on top of the microwave that your inbred alcoholic PARENTS do? You ever wonder why SANTAS GIFTS are intermixed evenly with all the OTHER FUCKIN GIFTS from people who AREN'T tubby-ass mystical bastards?

You ever wondered how it IS that santa's team of lecherous elves manufacture BRANDED GOODS and VIDEO GAMES that are IDENTICAL to the ones you find in stores? Does it ever BLOW YOUR RETARDED MIND to think that SANTA CLAUS and his team of MISFITS and RETARDS can manufacture ALL THIS in some HIDDEN SHACK amongst the BARREN AND STERILE ICE OF THE NORTH POLE? When's the LAST TIME you heard about the fuckin PLENITUDE OF THE ARCTIC on the discover channel? You DIDN'T. How about how santa SCALES his GENEROUSITY based on the SOCIOECONOMIC STANDING of the FAMILY? Is that not the HEIGHT of LUNACY that you would indulge in this most BANAL AND VACUOUS FANTASY? Why does SANTA-FUCKIN-CLAUS alter his GIVING HABITS on the basis of CULTURE and CREED? Not to MENTION all the BULLSHIT flying REINDEER and all that other crap.

Oh look! Santa took a BITE out of the cookie! He took a DRINK of the MILK! GAAAAAAY!

GIVE IT UP YOU STUPID MINDLESS BASTARDS, HAVE A SHITTY CHRISTMAS AND FUCK YOU.

Here are some statistics about ALL THOSE FAKE ASS SANTAS:

50% of Santas are drunks
70% of Santas are old and single
65% of Santas secretly maintain 'Bah Humbug' in their personal ethos
35% of Santas are homosexual
55% of Santas are homophobic
75% of Santas get mad BONERS "on the job"
80% of Santas use their suit for autoerotic purposes throughout the year
100% of Santas are a FRAUD.
0% of Santas are REAL.
100% OF YOU ROTTEN KIDS ARE FUCKING MORONIC
!
12-02-2003
BREAKING NEWS---BALD TORSO HIDES ADOPTED ASIAN BABY'S PACIFIER IN CROTCH OF ELECTRIC SANTA
An Extra Special Message
11-28-2003

If your name is Anita and you would like a special message from Canada to quell the african jitters, mash here.

If you aren't, enjoy the following haiku about Tom Selleck:


"His moustache is large,"
my mom whispers from the tree.
Why won't she come down?
A Pair of Normal Paramour's Paranormal Pompadours
11-12-2003

I'm sick of all this shit. I'm sick of all the beating around the bush, I'm sick of all the lies and deceit. I'm sick of all the walking on fucking eggshells!

We just have to be out with it! Enough of the taboo! Enough with the sidestepping! Enough with all the bullshit!


We have to talk about diarrhea. We have to confront this thing head on. No more DODGING the issue. No more prancing around like NOTHING.

It's time to deal with this thing like FUCKING ADULTS. It's time for us, as a society, as a people, as glorious humanity, to fucking talk about it for christ sakes! What are we AFRAID of? Whose glaring glares do we fear? Why do we run CONSTANTLY in CIRCLES? We just need to be OUT with it, fucking GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN, talk frankly and honestly about it! It's about GODDAMN TIME.

It's wet and unstoppable shit that burns your fucking ass!

...Well I guess that's all really.
Let's never fight again
10-22-2003

Perhaps you wondered where on earth this site went for a few days?

It was down -- down in the dumps, like a foraging drifter.

But, as promised, in case of a downed site, I will always follow the downtime with some pictures of pregnant ladies.

Click on the picture to get the background story.
A Recipe
09-28-2003

I was looking everywhere for a recipe of an old favourite of mine, chalk-face pie. Here it is, cook it up for a super-treat this thanksgiving. In your prayers where you give thanks, be sure to include those pioneers who brought us the original chalk-face pies.

CHALK FACE PIE

INGREDIENTS

Crust for a double-crust pie
1 cup plus 2 teaspoons sugar or succanat
1/3 cup flour
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 ½ cups sliced rhubarb (about 1 ¼ pounds)
2 ½ cups hulled strawberries, halved and quartered if large
4 sticks chalk, white (yellow will do also, but avoid dark colours)
1/2 cup sunflower seed oil
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut in several pieces
1 tablespoon milk
Vanilla ice cream, optional

1. Roll half of the dough out on a lightly floured surface to a 12-inch circle. Ease into a 9-inch pie plate. Roll out the second disc of dough and slip onto a rimless cookie sheet. Refrigerate while making the filling.

2. Whisk together the sugar, flour, salt, and cinnamon in a large bowl. Add the rhubarb, strawberries, lemon juice, and vanilla and toss until the fruit is well coated with the sugar mixture. Set aside for 10 minutes until the fruit softens slightly.

3. Crush chalk into fine dust, mix with sunflower seed oil into a paste.

4. Preheat the oven to 425F. Position an oven rack in the lower third of the oven.

5. Spoon the rhubarb mixture into the pie shell and distribute the butter over the fruit. Cover with the top crust and trim the overhanging dough to ¾ inch all the way around. Turn the edges under, flush with the rim of the pie plate, and crimp or flute to seal. Use a sharp knife to cut several steam vents. (Or you could cut 1-inch strips and weave a lattice crust, crimping the edges). Brush the top crust with milk and sprinkle with the remaining 2 teaspoons of sugar.

5. Bake for 30 minutes. Reduce the oven temperature to 350 and bake until the crust is a rich golden brown, the fruit is tender, and juices bubble through the vents, 25 to 30 minutes. Cool on a wire rack at least 1 hour.

6. Smear chalk and oil mixture on face, leaving holes for eyes and nostrils.

7. Serve warm or at room temperature, with ice cream, if you like.

Makes 1 9-inch pie.

Is there someone in the first base?
08-31-2003

Sometimes its fun to translate things between languages. It tends to be fun because some things are not as easily expressed in one language as another. If you only know one language, like english, for example, then you have to translate whatever translation you have back into english in order to appreciate this.

Lets take a popular english phrase: "A horse is a horse of course of course." When translated (via an online translator) into Japanese and back to english, you get "The horse naturally naturally is the horse." It is natural to apply a Japanese accent to this phrase to maximize the "effect".

Now here, processed thusly, is "Who's on First", a popular olde-tyme american comedy sketch that utilizes linguistic ambiguity to produce hilarity around every corner.

Abbott: Healthy Costello, I have gone to New York where you have been attached. If as for the manager of the Yankee there is a team as a coach, for working it gave to me.
Costello: Coach Abbott, player everyone must be known, see.
Costello: It is 1st or, everyone's well and?
Abbott: It is.
Costello: I mean the name of the companion.
Abbott: Who?
Costello: First person.
Abbott: Who?
Costello: First base man.
Abbott: Who?
Costello: The person playing...
Abbott: It is 1st or, who!
Costello: I am 1st, you have asked.
Abbott: That is name of the person.
Costello: As for that it is name, or is who?
Abbott: It is.
Costello: The well it goes to forward, informs to me.
Abbott: That that is.
Costello: Is that someone?
Abbott: It is.
Costello: Everything which tries the fact that I find is something where is name of the person of the first base.
Abbott: Calling obtaining. A certain something in 2nd base.
Costello: I am to 2nd, you have not asked.
Abbott: It is 1st or, who.
Costello: At one basis one time!
Abbott: It is good, the player does not have to be changed.
Costello: I change no one!
Abbott: The partner take easy that.
Costello: I have asked only be the person of the first base?
Abbott: That is the right.
Costello: It was understood.
Abbott: Without perpendicular ? amount.
Costello: Is name of the person of the first base what?
Abbott: Calling obtaining. A certain something to 2nd.
Costello: I am to 2nd, you have not asked.
Abbott: It is 1st or, who.
Costello: I do not know.
Abbott: He his us has not expressed 3rd, it is.
Costello: I who now am obtained with the third base how?
Abbott: Why you express that name and are high.
Costello: When I express the name of my third baseman, third you play in, say?
Abbott: Calling obtaining. First you play or, someone.
Costello: Is there something in the basis?
Abbott: A certain something to 2nd.
Costello: I do not know.
Abbott: He is to 3rd.
Costello: There I back section go for the second time with the 3rd!
Costello: Is name of the jug what?
Abbott: A certain something to 2nd.
Costello: I do not know. Together: Third base!
Costello: When I throw sphere to the first base, someone who obtains in order to obtain that see. Now someone is that?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So, I choose sphere, throw that naturally.
Abbott: In someone no the sphere which is thrown.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That differs.
Costello: That is that I said.
Abbott: That you do not say...
Costello: I throw sphere naturally.
Abbott: You throw that to someone.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That that is.
Costello: That is that I said!
Abbott: You ask to me.
Costello: Do I throw sphere to someone?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask to me.
Abbott: Is sphere thrown to someone?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That that is.
Costello: I throw sphere to someone. Anyone that sphere decrease, the person runs to 2nd. It chooses sphere, it throws to something, someone. That know what kind of pitch to doesn't my? I that tomorrow, the triple play do not know pitch. Already, the alone person being, causes the long fly, hits. Why? I do not know! As for him third is in, I do not give repair!
Abbott: What?
Costello: The I meant that I do not give repair!
Abbott: Well, that us it is short.

Trip to the zoo
07-24-2003

Everyone loves the zoo!

Fuck that. The zoo can suck my dick.

The search...words.
07-21-2003
Recently, I loaded an "update" with all SORTS of scandalous and scurrilous (depraved, even) words and phrases in the hopes of attracting more interesting search words from the internet surfing generation.

THE SNARE HAS BEEN TRIGGERED. Lets all rub our hands together as we see what the nets have in store for us.

Popular searches that lead here this month:

his wang
humourous speach
jello pudding wrestling
productivity in jamaican patty industry
twelve sex first time penis boob story
worlds funniest jokes and skippy
bangin like a screen door in a hurricane
sex animal ho hoho
the funniest shit on the net
what was winston churchill's weight
rats that shake their booty

And There you have it.

New!
07-21-2003

Weeeee got another one.
The search word is...
06-21-2003
As of today it has gotten ridiculous. The statistics gathering thing that gathers the statistics here gives a list of what search expressions were used -- by some person out there -- to find this place here. They have always been somewhat bizarre. Can you measure the content of a page by the search engines that trigger it's finding? You be the judge.

Several search strings used by people to find this page, in increasing order of abhorrence:

1) nicknelson
2) pete rose's nick name
3) basketball scouts
4) nelsons only time you tell
5) www. nick baskball com
6) stacking game
7) potatosalad
8) food stamps september 11 1959
9) lyrics to the miss america pageant theme song
10) dirty jenga
11) dirty jenga rule
12) dishsoap birthday games
13) move it work it
14) basketball boners
15) objects stuck in anus
16) slippery boner
17) good man is hard to find but a hard man
18) pin boner
19) scouts circle jerk
20) children examining boner

Amazingly, apparently nicknelson.net is one of the top sites for dishsoap birthday games, appearing fifth in a google search.

This site registers number 72 for "objects stuck in anus", somehow number 50 for "lyrics to the miss america pageant theme song", and this site ROCKS the slippery boner at number 14.

Care to search for scouts circle jerk? Chalk this site up, number 11!
Basketball boners, number 18!

As a finale, yes, you read that correctly: Children examining boner. Horribly enough, here it is on google, this site appears as number 17 in a google search for "children examining boner".

Perhaps I should lace this article with other hot phrases to get their engines purring:

Teenage dishsoap boner!
Basketball circle jerk!
Slippery jenga in anus!
Pete Rose's boner!
Slippery wet hot boner dong dick prick bishop sliding fisting stroking cob sausage honey spurt spurt lick shlong slammin' jack off gym teacher lube fireman cock butcher dogs horses from behind beat the meat climb Mount Baldy anal bacon jesus danglin' virgin mary zookeeper space owl pumpin' rock that ass chick sticker wham bam clit hard hard sweaty dripping bum love make love gettin' it on all night long hangin' till the early morn rubbers bootie doggy.

NOW lets see what SHIT we get cookin.
Another tale?
06-19-2003

Heres another hot comic. tales
New.
06-13-2003

Check it out. tales
Who's a chubby baby?
06-04-2003
All good stories and jokes have a tendency to bedevil and beguile people. Take the following real-life scene, after a good story was told:

Aston: By goodness! What a positively bedeviling story that was!
Paulo: Indeed! Scrupulously bedeviling, that confounded story!
Ricky: And beguiling too!
Aston: I say!
Paulo: Beguiling to say the least!

Jokes have the further property, among being bedeviling and beguiling, of begetting jocose merriment. There is one joke that, by all accounts, is the funniest joke of all. This was the scene after this, best joke, was told:

Aston: Haaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Paulo: hoho!! HAHAHA!!! Aaaaaahhhhahahahahaha!
Ricky: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-hahahahaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! Oh, oh-hoho-ho HAaaaaaa HAHAAaa!!!
Oscar: heeheeheee!! A heheheheeeee!!
Aston: By god, that was the FUNNIEST, haha, FUNNIEST joke I ever did hear! Ahhh! Hahaha!
Ricky: Bahaha! You said.. HAaa! Its all too much, TOO MUCH! Haahaha! Waaahaha!
Paulo: INDEED! Scrupulously JOCULAR and singularily jocose was the preceding jest! Weeee heee heee heee Haaa!
Oscar: Oh haha hohohoh heeeheheheehehe!!! In all my good graces, I can't come to grips with the rampant, stalwart hilarity coursing through my being! Heeeheeheeeeheee! My corporeal being reeling to the core with peals of uncontained merriment! Heeeheeheeeee!
Aston: AH, ah, ah...hahahaha! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Ahhh, HAAAA!
Aston, Ricky, Paulo in unison: Yaaaaahahahaha!! Oh, hooo..ho ho HAAAAA!
Oscar, Regis, Morty in unison: Tatatahahaheee! Ahh hooo heeee haaaaAHAHAHA!
Regis: Dear fellows, this is uncanny! Waaheee Tatatata!
Paulo, Regis, Aston in unison: Ohhhhhh, aaaaahhh hohohoho HAAAAA heheheheHEEE! Babababa HOOO!
Aston, Oscar, Regis, Paulo, Ricky in unison: Haha, ahhh.. oh... Hahahaha!
Aston: Ohh... ahh. That was quite a doozy I daresay.
Paulo: Mmmmm. Goodness, I don't think I have an ounce of strength left!
Regis: I could barely breathe, the comical aspects were so transcendent!
Oscar: Indeed, the preeminence of whimsy amidst this high camp hoopla has made a merry-go-round of my manhood!
Ricky: I was utterly defenseless in the face of it!
Aston: While I am quite spent now, I know that merely contemplating but one facet of that jest's myriad aspects will send me again into a cataclysmic paroxysm of stomach wrenching side splitting guffawnery!
Paulo: Well, apologies dear sir to your overburdened gelastic musculature, but I can't help myself..
Aston, Ricky, Oscar, Regis in unison: Oh your mirthful fellow! Remind us not of that most good-humoured humdinger! It is far too priceless!
Paulo: "Those aren't... *MY* pancakes!"
Aston and Regis in unison: Ahhhhahahahahaahah! No, haaa, ahha hahaha!
Oscar and Ricky in unison: Ba ha hahhahaha HOHO HOHOHO aaahhh HEHEHEHEEEEEEEE!
Regis and Oscar in unison: Tatata hahahah HAHAHA Ohhh hohohohoho!
Ricky and Aston in unison: Hoho HA No HAHA GOODNESS ME HAhahaha!
Aston and Ricky and Oscar and Regis and Paulo in unison: Cha aaaahhahahah OH OH Hoooo HAAAAaaaa! Hoooooo!
Aston: Haaa Hehehehe Truly riotous!! Bahahaha!
Ricky: Hohoho Tooooo hooooo haaaahahahaha HEEHEEHEE!
Oscar: Mama... Jaaa you said -- HAHAHA hohoho!!!
James: Despite my silence until this point, I assure you, I too found it overwhelmingly amusing.
-- A flash of lightning, an explosion of thunder. Silence. The aching grandfather clock slowly begins chiming midnight. Each bell strikes the men's hearts with increasing force. After the twelf bell is struck, each man looks at eachother in the stark silence begot by absolute terror, punctuated to each of them only by their own pounding hearts. The funniest joke has concluded.
New.
05-31-2003

Check it out. fn
People And Their Things
05-18-2003
A friend of mine works for a large telecommunications company, whose name I dare not say. But I will give you the following hint; the "main part" of the name, the part that REALLY identifies it as a well known cable giant can fit into each of the following sentences:

"____ that."

<in british accent>"We gave him one hell of a good _____in'."

"_____ old boy, good to see you."

Her purpose is to act is a siphon through which all applicant's resumes are filed. As such, she is witness to the -- whats the opposite of cream of the crop -- ass of the crop? of resume outlandishness. Her painstaking and continuing effort to pull interesting and exciting (sometimes outright AROUSING, boing) gems from amongst the detritus, to act as a trawler through the neverending incoming flotsam of applications, as baleen seeking comical krill through oceans of banal job-lingo for the sake of having a whale-of-a-time, all in the name of the humourous disdain for her job-seeking contemporaries, is captured HERE in "article form".

Some favourites (or perhaps I chose them at random) :

i cant speach good franch and little englich
PROFILE:
Urban, moxy, current, a different way of thinking, cutting edge, that's what you're looking for. That's what I am. Leading, efficient, concerned about clients, aware of their timelines, aware of their need for compelling initiatives. Excite, enthuse and inform, captain projects that communicate company messages and ideals. Success depends on details, the attention to them, creating and nurturing relationships and empirical knowledge.
The paragraph of vague words that mean nothing: I strongly believe that the key to success lies in effectively developing an organized environment, improving service and maintaining productivity. I am a team leader with a high energy level, able to identify customer concerns and discrepancies to establish favourable results. I am particularly skilful in developing creative strategies and maximizing opportunities
Evolution is happening
04-25-2003

250 People recently were complaining that evolution wasn't happening anymore. I disagree. It's happening and it's amazing. It's all thanks to SPAM email.

SPAM email targets the frailties of humanity to get people to buy, on impulse, an assortment of ridiculous things. The amount of SPAM is increasing geometrically. There will be a breaking point; that point will be when people evolve so that they don't need what SPAM offers and the industry withers from attrition. Lets examine a real journal entryfrom this utopian future.

Good day.

I am ARCHON. I live in the year 50028030.298a. I just parked my SKYMOBILE9000 -- by parked I mean I got out and it turned into a briefcase that fits in my pocket. By pocket I mean ENERGON POCKET which is sewn not into the fabric of your pants but the fabric of your universe. Oh, in the future we all have one. Things are WAY DIFFERENT in the FUTURE.

I have a TEN FOOT COCK, which is PERMANENTLY HARD so I can TRAMPLE HER PLEASURE CENTER like a THUNDERING STALLION. I'm ANTI BALD to the point of RIDICULOUS HIRSUTENESS. I'm a QUADRAGOOGLINAIRE from PYRAMID SCHEMES and INVESTMENTS in NIGERIA -- which often meant CLEANING MONEY that was sprayed with FECES or OIL -- or a feces and oil mixture called 'the stank' -- and I KEEP IT with my ABSURD SAVINGS in CAR INSURANCE, LIFE INSURANCE, DENTAL INSURANCE, HEALTH INSURANCE, MORTAGE RATES, AIRFARE RATES, and DEBT CONSOLIDATION. I have a COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY DIPLOMA from EVERY ACCREDITED UNIVERSITY KNOWN TO MANKIND. I swim in an OCEAN OF PET FOOD; the BIOSPHERE is SWARMING WITH FRIENDLY PETS. I am so ANTI OBESE that I'm INSIDE OUT. I have lost 30 LBS in 30 DAYS and then NEVER GAINED WEIGHT AGAIN, and then I QUIT SMOKING THE EASY WAY, and my BREATH SMELLS LIKE A SPRING MEADOW.

I have achieved OMNISCIENCE with my 4000 SPY CAMERAS. I have PEACE OF MIND from knowing I SIGNED THE CHAIN LETTERS that ENDED ALL THE WARS. My PRINTER has enough TONER to print so many FULL BLACK PAGES that if SPACE TURNED WHITE I could WALLPAPER THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE and make NIGHTS POETIC AGAIN. My FERTILITY is SO GREAT that merely WHISPERING my SOCIAL INSURANCE NUMBER in a CROWDED ROOM will IMPREGNATE EVERY WOMAN TWICE with NONDECATUPLETS each of whom would be BEST DESCRIBED as a CROSS between BABE RUTH, ALBERT EINSTEIN, and BRAD PITT, or NANCY KERRIGAN, MARIE CURIE, and CHRISTY TURLINGTON. I'm SO ATTRACTIVE to the OPPOSITE SEX that I have been known to blow older women OUT OF MENOPAUSE. I have 2000 TEENAGE RUSSIAN SLUTS "WAITING FOR ME." I have 20000 DATES EVERY DAY with GORGEOUS WOMEN DOCTOR GYMNAST BOOB CONTEST WINNERS.

My thirst for porn is insatiable.

Sincerely, ARCHON.
For fuck sakes
04-16-2003
Take a moment please, and look around you. Look at the objects, look at the furnishings, look at everything, take it all in. Because sometime, somewhere, somehow, some dude fucked it, or one just like it. That's right: you name it, we fucked it. Someone on earth has shared that most carnal of unions with that toaster oven. With that lounge chair. You cannot, I repeat, cannot overestimate the ingenuity of a dude with a rockin' boner and a pile of free time.

Any one of us would be lying if we said that never has a playful and puerile wrestling match with our favourite stuffed animal turned into an hour long gritted-tooth fuck-a-thon. When you are twelve years old and home alone, testosterone coursing through your veins like roman armies charging up the nile river, you want to burst over the banks and raise fucking hell; it's time to rape and pollage. This house has had it easy, and now it's time to pay the rent.

Couches. Matresses. Pillows. Blankets. Towels. All these can be used to fashion a 'false orifice.' Add this to your notes: if it's soft, it can be fucked. And it has been. Put a couple couch cusions one atop the other and with a little imagination you have a SWEET piece of ass as your sole province. Mark my words. Someone on earth has figured out a way to fuck a bunsen burner. Someone has fucked a bookshelf. DVD player, lazy susan, central air conditioner, toilet paper roll. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Make no mistake -- people everywhere are horny, unsatisfied, and most importantly: alone. What people do by themselves are the most disturbing, lecherous, unfathomably sinful and blasphemous actions imaginable. As soon as the door closes or the phone hangs up you can bet that bottom dollar that the clothes are flying off and it's miller time.

The kitchen offers a smorgasbord of delights awaiting the penetration of that most "manly spoon". More than one curious dude has stuck his wang into a fresh jar of skippy just to see. The tumescent breach of cuisine goes much farther than that infamous "American Pie" or the cliche chicita banana. Jello pudding, cooked chickens, raw chickens, pies, cakes, loaves of sourdough, ice creams, popsicles, green peppers, mashed potatoes, they've all been on the receiving end of the pink rhubarb. They've all been pricked and pepped by pickled peckers. That jamaican patty's looking hot, and I'm not talking spicy. This ain't Taco Bell but I got a tube of grade FU beef ready to inject into that shell. Pick any item you want from the fridge or cupboard and you have my guarantee that it has been massaged by the business end of fornication's rolling pin.

Science has taught us the difference between liquids and solids; read: lube, and things to fuck. Anything that can fit into an anus, has fit into an anus -- and not in the pursuit of science. Just about every liquid has been used, at some point, as motor oil to keep that flesh piston charging. Have any women wondered why the conditioner runs out so much faster than the shampoo when a male is living in the house? It ain't split ends, sister. Guys learn about condioner in lube104, your half course intro to masturbatology prerequisite that sets you up for grad school (how to make solid, workable genital lubricant out of motor oil, dishsoap, coffee grounds, canine shampoo, bacon grease, ascerbic acid, inkjet toner, and contraband lipgloss). Vaseline is just the tip of the worlds most slippery iceberg; and it's getting slammed by epidermal titanics like it was in a man-vs-nature naval demolition derby spectacular.

Society forges a stigma around the genitalia, like the burning of a bladder infection; yet in privacy the privates see a deprived sea of depravity. Make no mistake however that the carnal urges thus supressed are extinguished; they burn and unceasingly produce yearning which, left outside the judgmental glares of the social environment, condense into the freeform, prosaic and multifarious solitary orgies of flesh, plastic, cotton, oil, bone and wood described above. Far from seining your moral conscience for the catch of the day, or attempting to disturb your relationship with the (ruthlessly gangbanged) world around you, I merely want to bring to your attention the state of affairs between us people and that sultry, inviting, and often naughty world of stuff. In the same way that science uncovers mysteries, I hope that now, when you gently pick up that old cuckoo clock in the attic, that generations-a-passed family heirloom, you can smile to yourself and appreciate it in all its dimension, for you can confidently conclude that "Grandpa has boned this thing rotten."

'Course I don't do anything like that... fuckin sick.
The Dog Is Thirsty
03-27-2003