Someone recently forwarded me the following in earnest, and added the personal note that they were worried because they had recently drank from a pop can. It made me angry:

This incident happened recently in North Texas.

A woman went boating one Sunday taking with her some cans of coke which she put into the refrigerator of the boat. On Monday she was taken to the hospital and placed in the Intensive Care Unit. She died on Wednesday. The autopsy concluded she died of Leptospirosis. This was traced to the can of coke she drank from, not using a glass.

Tests showed that the can was infected by dried rat urine and hence the
disease Leptospirosis. Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances. It
is highly recommended to thoroughly wash the upper part of soda cans before drinking out of them. The cans are typically stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without being cleaned.

A study at NYCU showed that the tops of soda cans are more contaminated
than public toilets (i.e).. full of germs and bacteria.

So wash them with water before putting them to the mouth to avoid any
kind of fatal accident. Please forward this message to all the people you
care about. ( I JUST DID ! )

Why are people susceptible to this goddamn shit? Brief reflection shows this to be so much mindless hysterial.

--- From the web:
How long is it between the time of exposure and when people become sick?

The time between a person's exposure to a contaminated source and becoming sick is 2 days to 4 weeks. Illness usually begins abruptly with fever and other symptoms. Leptospirosis may occur in two phases; after the first phase, with fever, chills, headache, muscle aches, vomiting, or diarrhea, the patient may recover for a time but become ill again. If a second phase occurs, it is more severe; the person may have kidney or liver failure or meningitis. This phase is also called Weil's disease.

The illness lasts from a few days to 3 weeks or longer. Without treatment, recovery may take several months.
---

So you see, it takes a LEAST two days, at a minimum. Assuming her boat ride was in the afternoon, probably only 24 hours had elapsed before she was put into intensive care; meanwhile the disease takes minimum 2 days, and up to 4 weeks -- so we can assume that 2 days would be very unlikely still. She then died on Wednesday -- 72 hours later. Given that the disease takes 48 hours to show symptoms, that would mean the disease can cause death within 24 hours. Don't you think there would be more of an outcry about this? Further, the symptoms last for weeks. Only in rare cases does death occur
-- and that certainly wouldn't be within 3 days. Any mention on how the disease was "traced to the can of coke she was drinking?" If you look at how Leptospirosis is usually transmitted:

--- From the web:
Where is leptospirosis found?

Leptospirosis occurs worldwide but is most common in temperate or tropical climates. It is an occupational hazard for many people who work outdoors or with animals, for example, farmers, sewer workers, veterinarians, fish workers, dairy farmers, or military personnel. It is a recreational hazard for campers or those who participate in outdoor sports in contaminated areas and has been associated with swimming, wading, and whitewater rafting in contaminated lakes and rivers. The incidence is also increasing among urban children.
---

If she was going out on a boating trip, she was probably at a cottage or resort; meaning she was probably also swimming, maybe camping. Given that leptospirosis is usually transmitted by swimming in water, it seems that this autopsy would likely point at these as probably causes; after all, how would they get their hands on the can-of-coke she probably threw out and sent to the dump?

Why was there an autopsy performed? Wouldn't her disease have been diagnosed while she was in intensive care at the hospital? And since when would autopsy technicians go through people's garbage -- and garbage at their cottage of all places? Autopsies determine the cause of death. In this case, leptospirosis. Finding the source of the disease isn't the goal of an autopsy. If an autopsy finds that someone died of strangulation, they don't then go about tracing back to the killer! But perhaps it wasn't the autopsy that traced the disease back to the can -- then who was it? A team of investigators? People investigate murders, not diseases... and this team apparently found the can of coke she drank in a boat at the cottage.

Right.

Did they test every piece of garbage that she created in the last 4 weeks -- remember, that's how long it can take for the disease to show symptoms. She could have been gargling rat urine in Mexico a month before she took a sip from that can.

The contention that rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances -- well that is purely false. Rats are kept as pets and used in science
experiments; were the urine so toxic and deadly, do you think these
practices would still exist?

I'm also skeptical of non-specific but PSEUDO-specific locales like "North Texas" -- how made up sounding is that? Why not say "Houston Texas"? Have you ever heard any news report ever say anything like "North Texas?" No -- because when people make shit up, they say things like "North Texas." Notice it happened "recently" -- no date given. The supposed boat ride happened "one Sunday". Suspicious.

Now, the cans themselves... I don't know what study has "proven" that pop cans are worse than public toilets, but lets look at how these pop cans are produced. The can is made, washed, then filled with pop, probably washed again, maybe heated to kill bacteria (most drinks and such are pasteurized) and put in a package of 12 or 24 -- i.e. a closed box. At what point would rat urine be sprayed all over the can? Are rats dancing among the assembly line apparatus, joyously spraying urine in all directions? Once it is in the package, which happens in the factory, it seems highly unlikely that any rat would be able to aim its foul urine at the top of the can, which is
pressed against the packaging; more unlikely still that the rat is
afflicted with leptospirosis. Why a rat would be on top of cans to urinate on them anyway is a mystery; there are no food sources for them around the packages. When you envision the Coca Cola factory, do you picture a bunch of rats running all over the place? What are they eating?

Even assuming that somehow urine gets on the can: it's a bacterial
infection, and I'm not sure how long bacteria remain alive and active on something like the metal surface of a pop can. Further, I usually look at the top of the pop can before I start a-guzzlin; I think any dried urine (or anything besides clean polished aluminum) would arouse my suspicions. I certainly wouldn't drink from any can with some crap on top of it. Maybe it's different in "North Texas".

Now let's be real: Do you really think public toilets are cleaner than pop cans? Come on. It's hysterical bullshit. It is supposed to make you say"Gee whiz!" and motivate you to share the message with others, and adopt whatever cautionary behaviour adjustments the email suggests. It's the same technique propaganda uses; hyperbolized and unrealistic statements that may be accepted because of the sheer hysteria value.

The conclusion states that cans are in warehouses and shipped without being cleaned -- that is probably the only sentence that isn't ridiculous. But it only illustrates why there shouldn't be worry -- the cans obviously aren't going to be washed when they are inside boxes. Furthermore, there aren't going to be rats creeping all over the boxes -- which are stored in other boxes -- because there is no reason for rats to be there. There is no food for them. The cans aren't washed because they are as clean as when they left the production machinery.

So now, lets look at the email again, and denote, with brackets, all the statements that are highly implausible:

This incident happened recently in North Texas.

(A woman went boating one Sunday taking with her some cans of coke which she put into the refrigerator of the boat.) (On Monday she was taken to the hospital and placed in the Intensive Care Unit.) (She died on Wednesday.) (The autopsy concluded she died of Leptospirosis.) (This was traced to the can of coke she drank from, not using a glass.)

(Tests showed that the can was infected by dried rat urine and hence the disease Leptospirosis.) (Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances.) It is highly recommended to thoroughly wash the upper part of soda cans before drinking out of them. The cans are typically stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without being cleaned.

(A study at NYCU showed that the tops of soda cans are more contaminated than public toilets (i.e).. full of germs and bacteria.)

So wash them with water before putting them to the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident. Please forward this message to all the people you care about. ( I JUST DID ! )

To stop drinking out of cans because of this is ridiculous to the point of absurdity.

Of course, if you want to frighten the target demographic of the email forward -- the slumped-behind-the-desk office worked -- get them where it hurts. Their fucking soda pop!

Holy it's been a while because I have been out-of-commission, in a totally serious way, due to several injuries sustained doing several (unrelated) activities, most of which had to do with sports, some of which had nothing to do with sports. The sports-related injuries included water intoxication -- a condition arising from the intake of excess water. Sodium levels drop, water is absorbed into the bloodstream, fluids build up in the brain, and eventually the fluid accumulates in the lungs at which point I collapsed, overcome by Water Intoxication. I also split my knee at the racetrack, broke my wrist fishing, and sprained my ankle while playing miniature golf which, despite the name, isn't very lewd at all. <click>

I know people say that money won't change them but I know with all the sweet wet hot cash I'm going to be coming into shortly, I will be changing like a model during a runway show, or a model's baby's bottom during a little tiny baby model runway baby show for tiny babies. It turns out someone from Sierra Leone acquired my email address and wants to use my good name to move his fortune out of his scary country. He has promised me 15% of his fathers fortune. I post our private correspondence ONLY for informational purposes. It could have been you, dear friend.

[From mbangura@sunumail.sn]

Dear

Good day!!.

Compliments of the day and my best wishes to you and family!!!.

I know this letter will come to you surprisingly but let it not be a surprise to you, for nature has a way of arriving unannouced and an adage says 'originals are very hard to find but their echo sounds louder'. So, I decided to contact you myself for you to assure me of safety and honesty if I have to entrust any amount of money under your custody.

I am Mr Micheal Bangura, the son of late Mr Thaimu Bangura who was the minister of finance in Sierra leone but was killed during the civil war. Knowing your country as being economical condusive for investment and your people as transperant and trustworthy to engage in business on which premise I write you.

Before my father death, he had the sum of twenty-three million united states dollars(us$23,000,000.00) which he kept away from the rebel leaders during the course of the war and deposited it in a security company for saftey and safe-keeping. this fund was supposed to be used for rehabilitation of water reserves all over the country before the outbreak of war. when the war broke out, the rebel leader demanded that this fund be given to him, my father insisted that the money was not in his possesion but he was killed because of his refusal to release the fund.

Meanwhile my mother and i is the only person who knows about this fund,because my father always confide in me since i am the only child in the family.When my father was killed,I quickly made an arrangemnt with a red cross rellief worker who used his official van to move me and my mother to lungi airport in freetownfor our safety because the rebels also wanted to kill us too.

The fund was deposited by my late father as a family inheritance with a safe relaible security company in Dakar senegel where I was only given temporary asylum with my mother.I do not want to invest this money in senegel due to unfavourable economic climate and so close to my country. Also, I still kept this money also for security reasons as the present administration is investigating the existence of such fund of which I denied knowledge of it, claiming that my father did not tell me about such money. The only assistance I need from you which i believe you would do for me are the following:

1.Assist me invest this money in your country when it is release to you on our behalf by the security company.

2.Assure me that you will not sit on my share when this fund gets to your country.

You will have 15% of the money for yourself as you guide me further to invest the remaining 80% in any valueble business venture while 5% is earmarked to cover expenses contingencies.

Most importantly, i will like to buy a personal house where i and my mother will reside.Upon confirmation of your interest to help me as my foreign partner to invest this money, i will link you the details of this

transaction to be scheduled in your favo ur by the security company.

While thanking you for your anticipated understanding and cooperation, I look forward to your urgent response.

please note that this transaction is strictly confidential and must be treated with utmost secrecy.

Best regards,

Mr. Micheal Bangura.

Please you can contact me on this E-mail Address m_bangura@iwon.com

[To: Mr. Bangura]

Mr. Bangura,

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I lost my own father once, he was an old draft dodger named Dakota J C, known across 13 states as the father of the sweet potato. He was a gentleman, craftsman, scholar. He went down in a vicious trainwreck; the wreck didn't kill him, it was the aftermath. He became so terrified of travelling by vehicle he walked everywhere; one day he was late for a meeting with the Pork Farmers of Utah (their ham is to die for) and, running to meet them, collapsed at the side of the road, rolling into a ditch. Sadly, this ditch had water at the bottom and he drowned amidst cigarette butts and half crushed cans of Budweiser. He was found by a thirtysomething drag queen named Delicia who was scouring the ditches for part of her outfit that had blown out her car window -- my father wasn't the only one rushing that hot August afternoon. A sad, but fitting end, for one of the largest men to ever grace the Rio Grande. His immense weight was a much talked about phenomenon in my family; his girth rivalled that of the most well fed of animals. Never one to turn down a chocolate platter, he stared weight gain in it's chubby face and embraced it, often for weeks on end, binging on all manner of foods. His glorious consumptive frenzies were inspirational to young artists in the Philadelphia area, starting numerous artistic movements and thought responsible for many of the greatest works of Frank Lloyd Wright. A luminary and philatelist. I still am not comfortable with this loss.

So, understanding that you are going through something similar to me, I feel that I must honour you, kind and brave Micheal, the strong and proud successor to your father, may he rest in pieces, and your dear sweet mother, god forgive her, that sweat sweat woman, that abomination, the kindest and warmest woman and strumpet on the african continent, by accepting your request and helping you in these grave times.

I'm not very good with finances and money; I blundered my inheritance on a two year binge of alcohol, drugs, women, cars, chocolate, fine dining, liposuction, pilates, Nile River delta properties, exquisitely crafted Iranian cattle sculptures, fried yogurt marionettes, tortoise shell lampshades, lipstick trumpets, 1968 Olympian luge trophies, lobster pseudonyms, electric snakes, xing dynasty broaches, and other luxuries, too many to mention. Though mention them I enjoy, since it was a great time in my life. However, having squandered such money, to the tune of about sixty seven million dollars, on such trifles, has made me full of regret. I still enjoy time in the clam gardens, and my custom trained team of bathing seals enriches my life still, but the emptiness of meaningless consumption has taken it's toll on me. I feel ready to move on and up, to help others, instead of myself.

I would like to help you. Your story has touched my hot soul, a soul that yearns for goodness. I read your story to my sister, a legless widow with a heart of gold, and she wept. I understand that our transaction must be kept secret for obvious reasons; if your government ever found out about this money you would be in dire straits indeed; I couldn't risk that. My sister speaks to no one other than me; in fact, she rarely leaves her tiny house. She resents wheelchairs and crawls only -- I had the floors in her house treated with a space age polymer resin (at quite an expense!) that allows her to slide effortlessly around her house, room to room. The frictionless surface works only with hairless skin, however, so she is spends her day sliding about happily in forced nudity. I remain her only friend and confidante. You need not worry. I am here for you.

I would like to know what steps must be followed to get this transaction underway. I don't feel safe and secure knowing you and your sweat mother are trapped in that wild warzone of a crazy country. The sooner I can get you out of there, the better. I have a few properties I know are on the market that I could get a great deal on for you. I would be happy to send you some pictures, of the houses.. and also of me. I have great ones from the great American Chamber of Mystery, and from a few months back at the races. Have you heard of Tony Little? He's something of a fitness guru; anyway, he does a great trapeze impression, it's quite funny. He ends up on all fours with his shirt inside out and one pantleg rolled up, howling at the top of his lungs -- if you can picture it, it's droll to the point of reckless insanity.

I hope to hear back from you, and I hope you are safe. Fare well and all my best to your mother,
John Decks

Hey Look, it's This.

There should be myriad differences between the old and the young, in particular, the very young. In particular, the very old and the very young. There should be a multitude of scales on which the differences can be measured; innumberable social characteristics that change value and dimension; an incomprehensible constellation of traits and factors that make up the experience of the seasoned adult versus the naive and ruddy youth.

But there isn't!

There is only one thing that makes an adult an adult. PENISES AND VAGINAS. Sexual intercourse. Copulation!!! That's all! That's what an adult is. Through and through -- those in society who are able to freely copulate and spew fluids and descecrate the baby jesus in whatever foul way and in whatever foul orifice suits them.

If I was to offer you an ADULT FILM it doesn't mean it possesses wisdom that would be lost on a child; nor does it mean that it possesses stressful content that may fluster a child; it means it has ass and titties and balls flyin' a mile a minute in every direction.

If I offer you an ADULT NOVEL it doesn't mean the lexical ambiguities could have meaning only in an established intellect; it doesn't mean that the allegorical structure and deep literary references would resound only to a well read mind; it means that naked undulating fleshy mounds will grope and soak eachother in a mutual masturbatory menage a deux.

If I tell you that you are going to find some ADULT SITUATIONS at the PARTY, that doesn't mean that you will encounter a collective of learnéd fellows deliberating modern problems in politics; nor does it imply that you could count on a soulful exposé of the most sensitive human condition; it means you're gunna look left at a man-on-man golden shower scene and right to a hot ball gagged anal DP BJ bukkake orgy explosion.

Why must the term ADULT, which should be a scintillating and multifarious one that connotes the vastness of the mature human experience inevitably render an interpretation that reduces to simple carnal misdeeds, lowbrow oscillations of flesh and pouring of sweat in a lascivious intermingling of bodies? How is this what defines an adult as separate from child? Mature from immature? Are there no further indices of maturity than the capacity to handle the exposure to the biological workings of the body in procreative circumstances?

Adulthood is shrouded beneath a veil of simpleminded carnal secrecy, a banal proprietorship over the dirty doings that the CHILTREN themselves will be lusting about come puberty. ADULT should mean so much more than sticking a weewee in a bagina.

If you support, please sign this petition.

Thorough research has delivered some interesting new information about pop star Mya -- singer and songwriter, dancer, designer, actor, teetotaler. I have compiled them in point form for the interested reader:

• touch is like wo
• kiss is like wo
• body's like wo
• sex is like wo
• love is like wo
• ass is like wo

Oh, and if you do a google image search of "like wo", the first non-mya related picture that turns up is this.

Oh, and here is a site about sweet potato madness.

Eight Guys are Rock n' Roll:

Eddie: I'm so rock n' roll, I pee in the shower.

James: I'm so rock n' roll, I shit in the shower.

Tyler: I'm so rock n' roll, I destroyed the shower.

Larry: I'm so rock n' roll, I destroyed everyone's shower.

Davis: I'm so rock n' roll, I don't shower.

Wayne: I'm so rock n' roll, I don't let anyone shower.

Sammy: I'm so rock n' roll, I went back in time and killed the inventor of the shower to punish him for inventing it.

Tupac: I'm so rock n' roll, I went back in time and killed the inventor of the shower before he invented it, thereby preventing showers from ever having existed.

Paul: But wait, if you did that then how can any of us be rock n' roll?

<a monstrous silence>

So true.

There is a new trend in advertising, and whether it is disturbing or erotic is beholder-eye dependent. The trend is straightforward enough; if you sell food, appeal to social taboo. It is a simple formula that allows for the delivery of images of your snack alongside images of the most debaucherous sexual horrors imaginable. For example, let us assume you have a new product, called 'chunks'. You are a advertising executive; how to ensure that the client product gets remembered? Tie it to horrible images of taboo, of course! The case studies:

Case One:
Classico
"Horny Grandmother"
Classico advertises its salad dressing by placing it on the sidelines during a heavy Italian moment. The girlfriend informs her disheveled boyfriend that Italians "double kiss." Evidently the boyfriend has met the parents before, but has yet to meet the grandmother. When the parents arrive, the first thing out of the father's mouth is the introduction of his (obviously single) mother. Excited to perform well in front of the parents, the boyfriend delivers a passionate double kiss that ostensibly gets grandma's juices flowing. Later, across the table at dinner, the grandmother looks sheepishly at him, overcome with horn and lewd intent. Whether or not the grandma's unsatisfied yearning for her granddaughter's boyfriend is typically Italian is not addressed.

Case Two:
Skittles
"Grandparent Rap"
Skittles engages it's audience by displaying a young lad visiting his grandparents. The music playing from the victrola is a potent anachronism suggesting that the elderly folk are helplessly out of touch. The hip youngster brandishes a small dish filled with Skittles for his grandparents to snack on. The reaction is immediate; grandpa grabs the record on the victrola and begins scratching mercilessly. The grandma jumps to her feet and, powered by a second handful of skittles, begins rapping at the shocked youth. So energized by her rap and the skittles, she outdoes herself by capping off the crescendoing rap with a viscious display of the saggiest and most upsetting "bling bling" to date: her bare chest. At this point, the rapping and scratching stop; her bare, elderly busom quivers delicately and invitingly in the reflected mid-afternoon sun. The flabbergasted youngster can do nothing but slowly approach frozen-in-mid-flash grandma with a hand knit blanket to cover her up. How their relationship could ever resume normalcy is not mentioned in this ad.

Case Three:
Dentyne Fire
"Like Daughter Like Mom"
A young boy sits with his young girlfriend, meeting her parents for the first time. The conversation is mildly forced and stilted. The girlfriend casually begins to masticate a piece of gum. This gum is, ostensibly, condensed Spanish Fly as almost instantly, the daughter is overcome by a passion rivalling a dog's love for a bone. And bone she will if we follow this idea to it's logical conclusion. The young couple begin to make out fervently, rolling from the couch onto the ground. Her shirt is removed. Then, a curious turn: the mother also has a piece of gum. One thing leads to another -- that is, the gum leads to instant and overwhelming carnal lust -- and the mother and father begin to make out. Towards the end of the commercial, the daughter and boyfriend are dry humping on the ground, while the parents being disrobing amid their own furious copulatory prologue. The passion and ferocity of their engagements is so undiluted that the end could come only one way: both males in the situation exploding in a paroxysm of spasming musculature and ejaculature, literally bridging the generation gap with salty flesh and fluids, swapping partners and high-fiving all the while in an orgy so wicked that Oedipus, upon hearing only one sixth of their debauchery, would vomit so much blood and bile that he would make the elevator-door-scene in The Shining look like a stubbed toe.

• • •

The message is clear: if you have a food product the best way to advertise it is to capitalize on sexual taboos to get your message -- or at least *some* message -- across. Lets review:

Salad Dressing - Granddaughter's boyfriend delivers passionate kiss that makes grandma lust after him
Candy - Grandparents indulge in sweets and grandmother shows tits to grandson
Gum - Gum causes such arousal that daughter and boyfriend and mother and father all get it on together

The trend is to shock, to use sexuality and family to provoke feelings of arousal in conjunction with parents, grandparents, sons, daughers, et cetera. In the spirit of this new and fashionable kind of advertising, here are some ideas for future product advertisments:

Product: Showtime Popcorn
Ad Idea: Brother and sister fuck eachother

Product: Burger King Hamburgers
Ad Idea: Man rapes woman, then has dinner with her dad and rapes her dad

Product: Smucker's Jam
Ad Idea: Dog licks balls of young man, young man masturbates, his grandparents watch

Product: Oh Henry
Ad Idea: A pair of twins '69' in the shower; uncle comes in and shits on them. Twins eat the shit

Product: Olivieri Pasta
Ad Idea: Grandpa walks in on son having sex with his wife. Grandpa and four old man brothers circle jerk

Product: McCain Superfries
Ad Idea: Ten grandmothers get strap-on dildoes and force their grandkids to watch them penetrate their children's children's parents to death.

Product: Krispy Kreme Donuts
Ad Idea: A genetically engineered family of 500 nude mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters, have a huge orgy in the year 9000AD. Its balls, ass, and titties *everywhere*, and they love that shit.

Product: Lay's Chips
Ad Idea: Two moon babies fuck dead dog carcasses and eachother in a burning house

With good ideas that continue the present traditions in advertising, there will be no shortage of interest-piquing advertising to keep our great economy flowing.