" As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. "	Sunday, July 06th 2008 02:44 AM

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resumayhem - a clever way to say "Hey, look at what these assholes put in their resumes!" Special thanks to MS for working hard all day to put this together. SLAP650DOWN600@AOL.COM Applicant's Resume: I AM A HARD WORKING INDIVIDUAL.I HAVE DONE TEC. WORK THROUGH BELL CANADA ( INDOOR & OUTDOOR ) I HAVE EXPERIENCE IN SATALITE INSTILATION,WIRING AND ALSO CABLE WORK DONE THROUGH A PRIVATE WORKER. Applicant's Info: I WORK VERY WELL WITH ALL TYPES OF PEOPLE, IN ALL TYPES OF SITUATIONS. I CAN ALL SO SOLVE MY OWN PROBLEMS IN A VERY MATURE MANOR. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My main objective is to secure a full time or Dart time position within an office environment. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reverences and portfolio available on request. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i cant speach good franch and little englich -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To whom it may concern, I'm looking for a conform job that will allow me to purchase new experiences, knowlodge and where I will be able to bring my qualifications in a dynamic cooperative working environment. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PROFILE: Urban, moxy, current, a different way of thinking, cutting edge, that's what you're looking for. That's what I am. Leading, efficient, concerned about clients, aware of their timelines, aware of their need for compelling initiatives. Excite, enthuse and inform, captain projects that communicate company messages and ideals. Success depends on details, the attention to them, creating and nurturing relationships and empirical knowledge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- christisinmylife@hotmail.com I HAVE 2 YEARS EXPERIENCE WORKING WITH COMPUTERS! REPAIR! CONFIGURATION!TECHNICAL SUPPORT! Applicant's Info: FRENCH AND ENGLISH SPOKEN! VERY WELL! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Member Toastmaster International Club . Toast-IT (www.toastit.com) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 50 Hindquarter Court -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Activities: - I like to play with my computer and "chatting" . - I like to be with friends. Going to the movies, clubs, billiards… - I am impassioned by travelling, always open to leave, discover. - I like photography. I have an attentive eye to the details. - I sail catamaran. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Krista Cheeseman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Applicant's Info: Currently completing my 2nd year at U of Ottawa. Have a drivers license. Old enough to drink. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1999 Volunteer Zeddy, Oktoberfest Parade, Kitchener, Ontario - Dressed up as Zeddy and entertained children in the parade -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Training Certification: "Beware the Naked Man Who Offers you His Shirt" Training Certification: "The Art of Becoming an Executive" Training Certification: "Hey, I'm the Customer" Training Certification: "Diversity Training" Responsible for supervisory duties in the absence of my supervisor, "INCHARGE" Responsible for the "Let's start Talking Campaign" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let me dream, one day, I'll be part of your team!...And one day the dream came true! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I appreciate your consideration and I look forward to sneaking with you in the near future. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am a Diploma in Electrical Eng. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unfortunately after 8 years I was bound to close this business due to unpredicted and unthinkable reasons and circumstances this year 2002. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -Finalist in the "Funniest Person with a Day-Job Contest" at the Laugh Resort -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6 Cheeseman Drive -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I HAVE WORKED IN THE FIELD OF SALES, I HAVE WORKED AT STITCHES CLOTHING STORE AS A MANAGER, IV WORKED AT WALMART AS A SALESPERSON , SO I HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE IN SALES. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Where will I shine the best? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am Bondable. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Duties involved: Making deliveries, of live and cooked seafood. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I enjoy hats, and meeting new people. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Conceived, designed and project-managed the development and publication of the teaching CD ROM "Diseases of the Inner Ear" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Our Heart/ My Mentor Serves all organs of body first (in systole) and then feed oneself (in diastole). To top it, during sympathetic overdrive, compromises time (of diastole) for itself first & then for that of the body. You/yours/ours precedes me/my. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 207-30 Camphell Court -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- developed self-disciplinary skiffs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Excellent suturing skills -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- REFEREES Available on request. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1997 - 1998 Waitress Tasty Little Boy Restaurant, Kitchener, Ontario Ensured customer satisfaction by: taking orders and helping to prepare them, serving meals and beverages, setting and clearing tables, receiving payments, maintaining restaurant clean and organized. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cast in a West End Studio Theatre production of 'Dentistry Crisis' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QUALIFICATIONS I MEET ALL OF YOUR QUALIFICATIONS! (no more qualifications listed) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have experienced: Skydiving -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It appears we have a "positive problem"....there are several postings that I would like to apply for. They include: -Dealer Sales Director -Corporate Account Executive -National Retail Account Manager -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Applicant's Resume: jukkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I cant wait to here from you..... I'll be waiting -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Martinez, J. "The battle of soy beverages" Marketing case. University of the Republic of Uruguay, June 2002 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, aren't YOU sure you want to hire me? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lance G Kool (that's a name) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oct 2000 - Oct 2001 Angel's Gifts & Flowers Toronto Cashier/Bookkeeper Nov 1998 - May 2000 Canadian armed forces (Reserve) Toronto Artilleryman * Standard First Aid Certificate * Cross rifle for field test on C7, C6 and C9 machine gun -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know that you folks up are the equal opportunity type therefore I do not expect my resume beingsentintoyour trashfolder. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -required to explain the store -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -customer service, part Lime. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Represented SWT in attending receptions hosted by University President, Mr. Supple. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- from the resume of Brandon Murphy: Notable Quotes "Poor employee performance is like stealing from the boss." -Brandon Murphy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am a well rounded computer savy person who watched the computer evolve over the last 15 years. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I READ IN COMPLETE. 10+2 PASS. I AM TOTAL FREE. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- from randell's resume: darth__randell@hotmail.com -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- June 1993 Graduated with Horrors MIDLAND AVENUE COLLEGIATE -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The paragraph of vague words that mean nothing: I strongly believe that the key to success lies in effectively developing an organized environment, improving service and maintaining productivity. I am a team leader with a high energy level, able to identify customer concerns and discrepancies to establish favourable results. I am particularly skilful in developing creative strategies and maximizing opportunities -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have excellent interpersonal skills and a very calm, relaxed voice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this guy's serious... Imagine you're in a war and need to form a special ops team for reconnaissance by going behind enemy lines. You will need agents with special abilities, sharp minds, knowledge in tactics and weaponry, iron clad balls of steel and proven experience in the trenches. With my accumulative experience I have become such an agent, highly trained, skilled and tougher than boot leather. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please call me at Home so we can arrange an interwiev. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I speak 3 language.I may trance late them into english -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am an expert on dealing with customer in any state i.e. (irate, happy, etc..) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Finding new applications for the Internet Problem > Meeting new people > Learning > Traveling to new places > Reading science fiction and military strategy books -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- own a 9 1/2 pound shi-tzu that I trained to give hugs -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (this was _not_ in an email, it was just made to look like it:) To: Whom it may concern: CC: From: Gerard Duggan 416 817 4648 (cell) / 416 699 0588 Date: 02/12/09 Re: Resume summary -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Attending to customer's quarries in person or/and over the phone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SKILLS: Proficient in the English language Prompt and Neat Excellent hand dexterity Courteous -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If someone could please answer me back i will be more then just to give me a answer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have served as the "right arm" for senior executives and VP levels for nearly ten years. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'M FLUENTLY SPEAK,READ AND WRITE ENGLISH. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- check this dumbass out...I liked step 3 especially. have also written to your public relations and investor relations departments: You may have a MAJOR problem on your hands. Please forward this to the appropriate manager in personnel, as well as your general counsel, and the offending employee's manager. Today, I received the following from who is identified on the e-mail as : Paul Klicnik <punkture03@rogers.com> The item below is taken (cut and pasted) from the e-mail. I am sure you can verify that it came from your system. BELOW IS THE MESSAGE SENT TO ME VERBATIM.... From: Paul Klicnik >To: awapahoe@hotmail.com >Subject: Re: Ebay X Box. Did you win??? >Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 20:24:00 -0500 >Shut the fuck up you fucken asshole. > >Regards. A bit of brief background on this.... As I buy and sell on EBAY, I had sent a message to an EBAY member (apparently your employee)innocently inquiring if they wanted to buy an XBOX I was selling on EBAY. I used only EBAYS forwarding system to send my message to him, as I did not have his e-mail address. Unfortunately, EBAY must include my return address in their forwarded message because he was able to write back directly to me immediately. I was blown away by the response. You must understand my state of mind when I saw this coming from a company with your reputation. I immediately overreated and sent a disgusting personal remark back, which I now regret doing. The point is ...YOUR EMPLOYEE is using YOUR e-mail SYSTEM to not only conduct EBAY business, but he is putting your good company name on what could be considered harassing communications. I expect you to do the following: 1. Verify my facts (check your e-mail records) 2. Take immediate punitive action towards this person 3. Advise me what you have done. I am assuming this is the MINIMUM you will do to prevent this from recurring. Please respond immediately. Thank you. -Mario -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am a multitalented person with the capacity to make things happen. I am a doer. Please call me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is great pleasure that I applied as a candidate for available position. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My education back ground is bachelor of FIN ART -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Relevant experience includes: Being able to tell customers that they are being cut off, denied entry or being asked to leave without having the situation get out of hand or violent. (Hey, you try telling the Rugby team that they're too drunk to get in your bar and see if you can do it without violence ensuing!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Employment History 1992 - 2002: Musician and Band Manager with The Pop Shove Its, Mushroom Explosion, Weakling, The Waxies and King Kung. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Applicant's Info: -tends to wear sunglasses due to sensitivity of light -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ·Hobbies include: going to the movies, bowling, table tennis, watching Senators' hockey games, photography, karaoke, listening to country music, wearing leather pants to work on a daily basis, and computers -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I possess knowledge in the high tech. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -Police Record Check and references available upon request -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this is your resume??? application Common Foot problems and Their Causes What are some causes of foot problems? Some foot problems are so common that they can occur in virtually any workplace and under any working conditions. Foot Problems Severely aching feet, blisters, calluses, corns, hard flooring, rheumatism, arthritis, malformations of toes, fallen arches (flat feet), bunions, sprains Common Causes Long periods of standing, hard flooring, and poorly fitted footwear: -high heels -pointed shoes -lack of arch support -too loose or too tight footwear Foot Problems Sweaty feet, fungal infections (athlete's foot) Common Causes Hot and humid environment, strenuous work, footwear with synthetic (non-porous) uppers There are no comprehensive statistics on these kinds of problems with feet. Surveys suggest that two out of every three workers suffer from some form of a foot problem. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMENT ON MY HARD WORKING PERSONNALITY.ALSO MY LEARNING SKILLS ARE QUITE IMPRESSIVE. I AM A DEDICATED PERSON IN AN EVERYDAY BASIC. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a leadership qualities and work positively under presser. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Applicant's Resume: I like to ski...alot. Applicant's Info: yo. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Annoyed Byyoursite , Referred by: Rogers website Applicant's Resume: Your web site is incredibly slow. I came to see what service you had available and ended up frustrated. Over one minute to load a page from your site on high speed internet? I could have downloaded a full lenght movie trailer in the time it took you wireless page to load. Very very bad. Applicant's Info: Why am I sending this here? Because you disfunctional contact us page won't even load...Time to get a new webmaster. Until then, count me out as a Rogers customer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Applicant's Info: I really don't know if I did this right. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I used to work to Bristh Colombia (BC). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have delivered the local paper for many years without an accident. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i know i am not that skilled for ur company but i am fast learner i promiss byeeeeeeeeeee -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Resume has been sent to Human Resources by fax. Do to security safety I do not place my resume on the internet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i look forward to hearing from your reply soon. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- E-Mail: www.karimrizk@earthlink.net -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am a single woman and therefore can be married to my job. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- babyhug@magicaldesk.com -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- at the end of a cover letter: Copyright © 1996 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am a very people person and 'I LOVE MUSIC'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Applications include games, banking applications, messaging, e-mail and gaming. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am a Blue Jays nut, this is an absolute dream job! If you hire me I will be the best employee you have ever seen! I am perfectly capable and proficient at all the software mentioned and I will be the must enthusiastic guy you have ever seen! PICK ME!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finally, my third parent - for that is how I consider Canada - [...] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My baggage contains the key that can unlock this market: the ability to understand and to make myself understood. What else do I need? A small suitcase and a plane ticket... I have always loved to travel. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- excellent at multi-task -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am a computer science major so I am up to date with all the new gadgets on the market. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have been working at St. Kevin's for about 8 years, not. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- not _the_ R. Olaniyan! (ie. uh, no contact info?): REFERENCES: 1. Pastor F. Apanisile 2. Mr. R. Olaniyan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lot of people get mad when they are having problems. I am really experienced in a situation like this. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Always willing to teach and mentor peers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just wanna say if i get the chance to work for Rogers i will do my best and give a 100%. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Student Level 5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In High School I was the Captain of the Law society and won gold in the city Mach trial competition. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOBBIES Playing Indoor Games ( CHESS ). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What Iam not familliar with, I can learn instantly. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If I have not heard from you by May 12th, I will contact your office to inquire as to a potential meeting date and time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for your time and patients. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have that drive to win the appetite for competition. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- re: A great candidate awaits! Hello! Please find attached the resume for which you've been waiting! Thank you, G -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Interests Reading and Sea Dooing -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am interested in dogs, and high-tech gadgets. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- W.H.M.I.S. Trained Certified Food Handler Works well under pressure...able to get the job done... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Furthermore, while attending school I worked four separate jobs at once, had a girlfriend, social life, and kept my grades in the mid-80s. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HELP!!!!! I have a great deal of hands-on supervisor experience, but because of my youth I am finding it difficult to put my abilities to good use! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My high school teacher once told me, "What I like about you is that you try your best at everything you do, even the ones you don't like." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some of my primary interests include deciphering mind games such as Free Cell and Solitaire. I also enjoy reading novels and I have an innate ability for writing poetry and music. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Received Nortel's Astro-Lobe Award (Eureka! Process) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Avid reader of book -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Also have Dangerous Goods training and Superhost Certificate. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- October 2000 - January 2002 Personal Assistant to G. Scott Paterson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think it is about time for me to hit the road. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I speak english very fluently and have knack to adapt changes which is very important. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- REFERENCES Available on establishment of mutual interest. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Technikal Skills: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you require the following? (followed by a list of skills etc) If so, please read on, if not, thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am available for immediate employment having my own transportation. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >>Interests *Philatelist (collecting stamps, coins, currency's) *Designing advertisements, writing captions, learning about occult sciences. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have excellent communication skills that I believe I can use to do my job in a manner which is up to the compnay standards -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You may ask yourself "What can this individual bring to this position that others may not?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I beleive i can be help-full as a customer service consultant -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would appreciate your keeping this inquiry confidential. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Resume of: Handy Jim -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I remain sane and positive about the industry despite the sleep deprivation it exposed me to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in meeting an extremely well versed candidate with solving problem experience and excellent communication, I will gladly tip my hat and attend an interview for placement consideration. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- at the bottom of someone's (emailed) resume: Still unmarried? Find a life partner now -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Highest references are available upon request. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Key Operational Skill Sets [...] -Thinks out the box! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm someone very determined, responsable, organized and also ponctual. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To secure a position where I can utilize my strong administrative and interpersonal skills and prove myself to be a most valuable team player. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello again. I recently sent a jumbled resume to Rogers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I helped coach my younger brother's "Base Ball" team in 2000 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Years ago, I had basic training in television production and was courted by the instructors. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Work experience(suite) 1998 Crab Shop in Cap-Pelé Responsibilities: Clean the crab and put it in boxes 1997-1998 Wendy&#8217;s Restauraunt in Shediac Responsibibilities: Cashier and cleaning tables 1997 Lobster Shop in Robichaud 1994-1995 Lobster shop in Shediac Responsibilities: Cleaning the lobster out of its shell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am eager to start work in a full time marketing position, i am a fast learner and very eager. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Designed automotive parts using Unigraphics for blow mold applications.

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